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Thoughts on my OLT Character
Apr. 11th, 2006 09:41 amIt was mentioned to me, and I agree, that this needed it's own post. I wrote it on April 5th, shortly before folks were to show up for Stitch and Bitch.
Starfire
"I didn't like what she had become, it didn't fit me well, but it had to be done"
mmmm. more to it than that. The more I think about it, what she became is unimportant. She became what she needed to be. She was not what I had wanted her to be. She didn't fit the expected, acceptable, parameters that I had set up, in my head. That character was far and away my greatest success in ergi to date.
Because when I went out there, and Pentaclemoon called my card, I succeeded in letting go, at that moment. I accepted what the character had become, stopped fighting it, stopped crying over it, and just let it flow. The understanding of what the means and meant, is coming slowly. But I think I am starting to get it, a little.
She wasn't elegant, she wasn't cool and one step removed from it all, in her Justice. She was immanent, earthy, and angry with the surrenders of self perpetrated by ourselves on each of us. She frightened me badly, because she was nothing that I could control. She was outside of my 'closet', and I had been wearing blinders that did not permit me to know that she was going to do that.
'Willfull ignorance' the man said. Looking in the mirror I see that I was guilty of that sin, out of fear, out of panic. I felt like I was back in the Thunderflood, and drowning, instead of Surfacing.
I'm being very critical of myself today. Logical mind has a firm hold on my emotions, and it's not feeling terribly sympathetic. WynKat was describing to us, Monday night, various thoughts on the use of the scourge, in Wicca. While she disagreed with it, she did acknowlege that there are groups out there who use a scourge as a Penitential tool. Something about everyone being guilty of imperfection, and the lash being a necessary road to cleansing oneself of guilt. Sounded like a perversion of the christian god 'giving' his son to the murderers for the sake of the sins of the world.
I think I am in a place where I am scourging myself, angry with weakness and imperfection. Impatient with my (so far) inability to just get it, and get on with it. Angry with myself for needing love, and approval, and communion with others. Because my lack of faith in my own love for myself rebounds in to needing validation from others on a level where they can never prove it to me, because until I believe in my own love for myself, I cannot believe in theirs.
I keep hitting the walls of failing the people around me, who are being so patient, so kind, so loving, and keep having to help me deal with all this crap. I know it's not true, but I'm having trouble with remembering that, with believing that.
And today I have people coming over here, and no one coming here is a stranger, and I want to be able to relax and be me and come out of my closet and be with people in that open place. But I think what will happen is, I will put on my 'public face' and tell everyone I am fine, and not make a fool of myself for I-don't-know-what damned silly thing pops into my head.
I am venting a lot of stuff here, just letting it run out my fingers, as it comes into my head. Hopefully, when I hit the send button, I will let go of it all, and be able to move on. I'm certainly going to try.
Starfire
Starfire
"I didn't like what she had become, it didn't fit me well, but it had to be done"
mmmm. more to it than that. The more I think about it, what she became is unimportant. She became what she needed to be. She was not what I had wanted her to be. She didn't fit the expected, acceptable, parameters that I had set up, in my head. That character was far and away my greatest success in ergi to date.
Because when I went out there, and Pentaclemoon called my card, I succeeded in letting go, at that moment. I accepted what the character had become, stopped fighting it, stopped crying over it, and just let it flow. The understanding of what the means and meant, is coming slowly. But I think I am starting to get it, a little.
She wasn't elegant, she wasn't cool and one step removed from it all, in her Justice. She was immanent, earthy, and angry with the surrenders of self perpetrated by ourselves on each of us. She frightened me badly, because she was nothing that I could control. She was outside of my 'closet', and I had been wearing blinders that did not permit me to know that she was going to do that.
'Willfull ignorance' the man said. Looking in the mirror I see that I was guilty of that sin, out of fear, out of panic. I felt like I was back in the Thunderflood, and drowning, instead of Surfacing.
I'm being very critical of myself today. Logical mind has a firm hold on my emotions, and it's not feeling terribly sympathetic. WynKat was describing to us, Monday night, various thoughts on the use of the scourge, in Wicca. While she disagreed with it, she did acknowlege that there are groups out there who use a scourge as a Penitential tool. Something about everyone being guilty of imperfection, and the lash being a necessary road to cleansing oneself of guilt. Sounded like a perversion of the christian god 'giving' his son to the murderers for the sake of the sins of the world.
I think I am in a place where I am scourging myself, angry with weakness and imperfection. Impatient with my (so far) inability to just get it, and get on with it. Angry with myself for needing love, and approval, and communion with others. Because my lack of faith in my own love for myself rebounds in to needing validation from others on a level where they can never prove it to me, because until I believe in my own love for myself, I cannot believe in theirs.
I keep hitting the walls of failing the people around me, who are being so patient, so kind, so loving, and keep having to help me deal with all this crap. I know it's not true, but I'm having trouble with remembering that, with believing that.
And today I have people coming over here, and no one coming here is a stranger, and I want to be able to relax and be me and come out of my closet and be with people in that open place. But I think what will happen is, I will put on my 'public face' and tell everyone I am fine, and not make a fool of myself for I-don't-know-what damned silly thing pops into my head.
I am venting a lot of stuff here, just letting it run out my fingers, as it comes into my head. Hopefully, when I hit the send button, I will let go of it all, and be able to move on. I'm certainly going to try.
Starfire
